As winter finally thrashes around in its death throes, I find myself thrashing around as well. Not in death, but in a state of uncertainty, as I’ve mentioned before. I’m beginning to hit a financial crunch, my anxiety and state of being are still very much keeping me from advancing and I find myself still struggling to see a positive outlook due to all the negativity happening around me on not only a daily basis, but seemingly an hourly one.
As much as I’ve pulled myself offline and limited myself to only a couple of apps, it’s impossible to ignore the reality of the world out there completely, and the reality is very much a hard one. Even people who KNOW better are beginning to feed into the awful rhetoric and it seems like apathy, disillusion and a desire to just give up is everywhere.
Yet here I am, still plugging away at pretending to fit in with our society in order to simply make enough money to survive, because all the jobs out there care about is having a number that fits in with THEIR culture in order to trickle a bare minimum of compensation to you that generally allows you to just survive, and maybe a tiny bit left over to provide you with distracting comforts, while you wither away any part of you that is unique and individual in the name of the 1%.
It’s all so tiring. Exhausting… yet almost every single one of us has bought into it.
So while I sit here and take a course designed to turn ME into something a company or corporation wants, I’ve decided to do it in name only, while secretly gleaning just what I need out of it to make me a little more confident to go out there and find something that will let me be ME that wants a company, not the other way around. Maybe I’ll have to pretend a little more in order to bring in enough to pay some bills for awhile… but as long as it’s not too much, I think I can be okay with that.
I’m done with being a different person in the name of catering to a company ‘culture’. I’m too old for that shit anymore.
I wish I had the means and ability to apply to nudist communities in Europe. Then, as is my ambition, I could always Stay Naked.