First of all, thank you for bearing through my insanity laden post yesterday. It was a bit of a venting and I feel maybe I needed that. I had an extremely angry day yesterday, right to about 4 or 5 pm, where I finally started to feel more like myself. I also think I have finally discovered the reasoning behind my recent few days of mind fuckery.
Well? I hear all one and a half of you that read this blog ask, What is it?
I somehow managed to find a new way to doomscroll. It snuck up on me insidiously. At first it was a way to keep up on a couple of people I follow, but before I knew it, those people’s posts had faded away into obscurity and I found myself scrolling though post after post of the most insidious bullshit on world and US fuckery. “You’re back on Twitter?!” no.
It was Substack. I am subscribed to two people there, but when Substack loads it doesn’t load you into subscribers, it loads you into a front screen which you can then scroll down on random people’s notes… and let me tell you, the algorithm for what you get loaded in the notes is horrifying… and yet I STILL managed to find myself semi-addicted to it and have spent the last week or so doing it against every fibre of my being screaming at me. It’s how I knew about the Women’s Volleyball team. It’s how I became outraged for Imane Khelif and against transphobics (yet again, constantly). It’s how I feel despair and disheartenment over the millions of humans that have completely lost their way into a cult of madness, yet don’t get anywhere near enough positivity from the same source.
Yet here’s the thing, I need to keep Substack. Those two accounts I DO follow are extremely important and positive, but I don’t know if I have the will power to stop myself from doomscrolling the notes section. It’s making me both mentally and physically ill, but it’s kind of like a gambling addiction. If I go to long without scrolling I get anxious, upset and feel like I’m missing EVERYTHING… even when rationally, I know I’m missing nothing.
So what do I do? I don’t think you can just turn off the notes…. But I’ll have a look around. The fact that I can’t just say “enough is enough” to myself is pretty bad in its own right, isn’t it?